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A Returned Expatriate’s Lament

December 3, 2009 by Tellie  
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I’d never thought of myself as an expatriate until I moved back to America. I’ve been living here for the last 2.5 straight years. Truth is, I had let my American identity slip away while retaining the free-floating grace of being a foreigner. Or had I even acquired an American identity?  Would I be considered more of a “European” seeing as I have spent most of my life there?

But Europe is not a place that I have been back to.  Yet, I still yearn to see the beautiful cities with monuments at every street corner, savoir faire, craftmanship, botiques, refinement, manners, health care, free education, and so much history behind it all.

I came back to America and, irony of ironies, America is showing why my parents left in the first place.  Living abroad has provided so many more opportunities for my brother and me.  For me it was a good experience, but for my mother, it is agony.  She knows more than likely I won’t be staying here long.   How can I explain to my future children that I cannot entrust them to their native land? But how can I lead them to safety if I myself do not know how to go home?

Don’t get me wrong, I am proud to be an American.  I love my country and the ideals it stands for. But living abroad has opened my eyes to things like poverty, oppression from a communistic regime, and war.  And when I look at America as a whole, I feel people really take the life and the opportunity they have been given for granted.

I guess, in order to feel more comfortable here I will have to change my way of looking at things. Too some extent, I already have. The post-Thansgiving stampdes at the shopping mall? I would have slathered them with contempt years ago. Greedy Americans! Today I see them as expressions of the common man’s patriotism. No the malls are not for me, but it is incomparably better for people to shop their nation to prosperity than to be marching in the streets demonstrating for higher wages, shorter hours, and “justice”.

The question is, how would I fit into the picture?  How can I fit in America? Walking down a street in Massachusetts, I can recognize myself, barely. But months of snow? I couldn’t take it. Washington? Too Square. New York? Perfect in theory, but in reality too frantic and too expensive.

I feel lost within my own country. And to be honest, I don’t think I can stay here much longer.

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  • The last time, well, the only time to be honest, that I've been to America, I was 8. My family spent a year there due to my father's work. On the last day of school, I got farewell cards from all my classmates and I was the one to hold the American flag while everyone said the pledge of allegiance, which of course I knew by heart as I had said it a zillion times. That thought seems kind of distrubing to me now. Then I went home, I read my cards, I started to cry hysterically and I begged my parents to stay in that awsome country with huge toyshops where everything and everyone is cool... They had never even considered the thought, thank god. I cannot imagine mysefl living in America now. And I cannot imagine becoming even a vaguely similar person that I am now if my family had stayed there. But that being said, even that one year away from my country somehow made me never fit in in my own country again. So I can understand where you're coming form.
  • Thanks for sharing! I don't think anyone can really understand where this post is coming from unless they've experienced themselves. When I talk to other expatriates or people who were expatriates they know exactly what I mean. But when talking to people who have not experienced expatriatism (<==made up word) they just don't really "get it". I've lived outside my country for well over half my life so it's pretty hard at times.
  • You mention one thing that has bothered me for quite awhile, the greed that many Americans have, especially those of corporations. I completely understand what you are talking about in that regard. There are, however, millions of Americans who are barely able to get by, so I would also add that not every American is rolling around full of greed, not thinking about others or their hardships. I know from experience, I have seen the kindness Americans can offer, the issue usually is that they ignore what they don't see.

    I am not sure that we can condemn people for using their own money as they see fit, they earned it on their own. It can be disheartening at times to see their lack of caring, selfishness, but again, that is not all of America, that is just some of American.

    It is this type of awareness that turned me from a regular college student to a bit of an activist. I found myself in a position to where I thought there was a problem and I could ignore it and continue on, run away, or turn and face it head on and try to raise awareness, in hopes to bring some change. I chose to face it, educate people and try to get more people involved.
  • I am very well aware of the fact that not EVERY American is well off. I was referring to Americans holistically speaking. I guess in a sense my statement was a fallacy, a hasty generalization. Both of my parents grew up very poor. In the one of the poorest states in the nation.And when I go and visit relatives who still live there I see first hand the poverty they have to endure. That being said, I did say my view of America as a whole has been changing. Maybe it is because I live here or maybe because im older and more mature either way statistically speaking America is one of, if not the, most wasteful nation.
  • awww. I think you're right tho, people do take things for granted here.

    That being said, I don't feel like I belong at the very least in Texas. Meh.
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