What I saw today while looking at bikes in a store
Boy: Dad! I want a skateboard *points at selection*
Dad: You already know the answer
*boy picks up skateboard, places on ground*
Dad: Me and mom already said no
*boy tries out skateboard, goes about half an inch*
BAM!
*falls on face*
Dad: See that’s why you don’t have one
I may or may not have proceeded to burst out laughing.
Phone conversation
Me: I did a lot of thinking and I declined to speak at graduation.
Mom: What!!?? Why’d you do that??? You should do it! I would.
Me: You’re extroverted, of course you’d do it.
Mom: You play piano in public
Me: Yeah, but I’m actually GOOD at that. Ask dad if he would speak at his graduation.
Mom: *asks* He said yes
Dad:*in background* No!! I did not say that
Mom: He said yes, in his heart.
NOTE: Before I get into spiel of this post, “disappointing” my mother sounds a little harsh, she is very proud of my accomplishments. She’s so proud of me in fact she already told her coworkers I will be speaking at graduation. I think she really just wants to have a front row seat and to yell “THAT’S MY BABY!” as I glide across that marvelous stage in May 2010.. I love her to death, but our personalities are very different. She’s extremely extroverted and does a lot of public speaking venues. My dad on the other hand is a lot more like I am so he understands where I’m coming from.
What an honor! I was asked to speak at my graduation! But there is a problem, I do not like public speaking at all. As an opponent of the “sink or swim” method, I do not think me speaking in front of thousands is such a good idea. My first experience with public speaking was a nightmare. The likelihood of history repeating itself is likely, especially when I would have to follow Cicely Tyson!
So here is the story of my first speech in speech class: I got up in front of the class and stumbled over my words, said the first two sentences over and over again, and sat down dejected nearly in tears (and I did eventually cry in the solitude of my own room). Yeah, I may have pulled it together and became one of the best speakers in the class…but still, public speaking is not my specialty.
I wouldn’t mind giving public speeches in the future, I’m actually planning on joining a local Toastmaster’s chapter after moving out of the middle of nowhere. I want to give public speeches! But I also do not want to look like a fool. So for now, I will just have to disappoint my mother.
I don’t blog every time I’m sick. But this is not something new. I don’t tell my friends, my parents, or even my personal diary either. Should this be something I need to change?
I guess it’s become the norm. It’s become normal for me to feel like shit. And on the days I feel exceptionally shitty, I blog about it, hence this entry. I am still undiagnosed. I don’t know what I have, but I need an answer, and soon. I can’t live like this.
I can barely go to school full time and work part time. And by barely, I mean, I can’t. I’m debating quitting my job because I really cannot do this. I skip work daily and sometimes multiple times a day to sleep. I’m just lucky that my job requires me to do absolutely nothing substantial. But the sad thing is I can’t even show up to a place for 20 hours a week to do nothing because I’m that sick all the time.
Sometimes I wonder, how will I ever be able to work full time? Because if I continue to feel like this, I really don’t think I can. I say all this because I just got off the phone with my mom about how shitty I have been feeling. She asked me something that’s been gnawing on the back of my mind for a while now. She asked me how will I be able to live alone and go to graduate school if I’m always so sick.
And to be honest, I don’t know.
