Phone conversation
Me: I did a lot of thinking and I declined to speak at graduation.
Mom: What!!?? Why’d you do that??? You should do it! I would.
Me: You’re extroverted, of course you’d do it.
Mom: You play piano in public
Me: Yeah, but I’m actually GOOD at that. Ask dad if he would speak at his graduation.
Mom: *asks* He said yes
Dad:*in background* No!! I did not say that
Mom: He said yes, in his heart.
NOTE: Before I get into spiel of this post, “disappointing” my mother sounds a little harsh, she is very proud of my accomplishments. She’s so proud of me in fact she already told her coworkers I will be speaking at graduation. I think she really just wants to have a front row seat and to yell “THAT’S MY BABY!” as I glide across that marvelous stage in May 2010.. I love her to death, but our personalities are very different. She’s extremely extroverted and does a lot of public speaking venues. My dad on the other hand is a lot more like I am so he understands where I’m coming from.
What an honor! I was asked to speak at my graduation! But there is a problem, I do not like public speaking at all. As an opponent of the “sink or swim” method, I do not think me speaking in front of thousands is such a good idea. My first experience with public speaking was a nightmare. The likelihood of history repeating itself is likely, especially when I would have to follow Cicely Tyson!
So here is the story of my first speech in speech class: I got up in front of the class and stumbled over my words, said the first two sentences over and over again, and sat down dejected nearly in tears (and I did eventually cry in the solitude of my own room). Yeah, I may have pulled it together and became one of the best speakers in the class…but still, public speaking is not my specialty.
I wouldn’t mind giving public speeches in the future, I’m actually planning on joining a local Toastmaster’s chapter after moving out of the middle of nowhere. I want to give public speeches! But I also do not want to look like a fool. So for now, I will just have to disappoint my mother.
I don’t blog every time I’m sick. But this is not something new. I don’t tell my friends, my parents, or even my personal diary either. Should this be something I need to change?
I guess it’s become the norm. It’s become normal for me to feel like shit. And on the days I feel exceptionally shitty, I blog about it, hence this entry. I am still undiagnosed. I don’t know what I have, but I need an answer, and soon. I can’t live like this.
I can barely go to school full time and work part time. And by barely, I mean, I can’t. I’m debating quitting my job because I really cannot do this. I skip work daily and sometimes multiple times a day to sleep. I’m just lucky that my job requires me to do absolutely nothing substantial. But the sad thing is I can’t even show up to a place for 20 hours a week to do nothing because I’m that sick all the time.
Sometimes I wonder, how will I ever be able to work full time? Because if I continue to feel like this, I really don’t think I can. I say all this because I just got off the phone with my mom about how shitty I have been feeling. She asked me something that’s been gnawing on the back of my mind for a while now. She asked me how will I be able to live alone and go to graduate school if I’m always so sick.
And to be honest, I don’t know.
It’s been a while. And for that I am sorry. I’ve been crazy busy. In the past three weeks I have taken 7 trips, 5 of which have required some flying and hotel stays. I’ve missed a lot of classes (duh).
My diet plan is not working. I tried to maintain my diet, but I eat primarily in the cafeteria and my school’s cafeteria is not catered to vegetarians AT ALL. After a month of vegetarianism my diet was not balanced, my energy levels were low, and all I was eating were starches. Not very healthy. I decided to go back to meat until I am done with school and have better control over my diet.
My exercising plan is not working. I just don’t have time to exercise. I feel like my life right now is catching up on school work, studying for missed tests, and as soon as I make up all the tests, studying for upcoming ones. It’s stressful, but I am managing my time well.
I am graduating in about a month! I can’t wait. I know when I came to college I had my mind set on graduating in 3 years, but to actually such a feat is just…surreal. I have mixed feelings about this. On one end I am happy to get this over with, but on the other end I am sad to be moving away from all my friends. It’s going to be a big change going onto graduate school and some days I fear I am not quite ready. But I know I am ready. If I wasn’t ready, I wouldn’t have been accepted.
I have accepted an offer to go to graduate school. I’m still debating on whether or not I should post which school I am actually going to. I’m a pretty private individual, especially when it comes to the online world. I’m thinking about making it more public, but I don’t know, I’m always debating this. Anyway i shall be pursuing a PhD. Something I decided on a whim over the last few weeks. Before today getting a PhD was never really part of the plan, but since it’s fully funded, why not?
Apartment shopping has been on my agenda. I’ve been looking at furniture, interior decorating designs and the like. I am glad that after this year I will no longer be living in a DORM. I will have my very first apartment. Luckily, I will be working this summer so I should be able to save enough money to pay for my first month’s rent, security deposit, and basic furniture. I can’t wait to post pictures of my apartment decorating. I am also thinking about making a guide for what to do when looking for your first apartment. I am thinking, since I am pursuing a PhD and all, that I should probably buy a house after the first year. But who knows?
You know applying to graduate schools is very different than applying to undergraduate schools. As far as graduate schools are concerned you are being sought after instead of you seeking them. Instead of you begging schools to let you in, schools are begging you to attend. I had one school up their offer by $6,000 in stipend per YEAR and that still was not the best offer.
Now with a new apartment, and with my fellowship I now have the capability of buying a piano. Of course, like 90% of concert pianist, my heart is leading towards a Steinway (expensive), but I could settle with any piano that sounds good. I have never owned a piano and am really excited that I will be buying one for my new apartment.
So I have realized I have this urge to know everything. By everything I mean EVERYTHING. From geography, to history, to science, to literature. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am on my school’s quizbowl team. I find learning tidbits of information to be extremely fun. I am thinking of making this my second hobby (after piano) just to learn EVERYTHING I possibly can. I am a nerd.
I am hoping that one day I will have some sort of regularity to my life so that I can post reguarly. I don’t have much of a social life anymore. Sometimes I wish I was a freshman/sophomore like the majority of people my age…with enough free time to party, stay up late, and have a good time. I know as far as undergrad school is concerned the worst is over, but as it pertains to graduate school? It will probably be a lot harder than I could ever imagine!
This is becoming one hell of a long post. So I shall end it here.
