Intelligence Is A Curse

2011 In Review

Tellie — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 20:30:37 +0000

When I don’t think about the awfulness of graduate school 2011 was a really good year for me. For the first time in 5 years I am no longer in pain every single day. An improvement in this one seemingly small facet of my life has helped me in other areas. I am now able to socialize more instead of spending all my free time catching up on sleep due to extreme fatigue. I am also a much happier person. I now realize how depressed I was when I suffered from constant pain. I no longer feel that dark cloud over me. I feel free. Even still, I’m not 100% pain free and I’m not sure if I ever will be. I have to wait 6 months for this medication to kick and I already feel better after 2, but I still experience a significant amount of pain. I know I talk about my health a lot but right now it’s probably the number one thing in my life that’s constantly on my mind so now onto another topic…

I finished the master’s program in June, but didn’t get a master’s because I started the PhD program in August. The master’s program was easy but the PhD program is tough. I’m really going to have to step it up this quarter and the subsequent one after that. I have the big test to pass in June and I’m really nervous. I did horrible my first quarter but I’m sure if I focus more things will work out just fine.

I was really hoping by the end of 2011 I would be in some sort of relationship but I am not. Some days it gets me down, but then when I see how some people have let relationships ruin their lives, I am content with waiting for the right person.

I have been able to discern my true friends more so this year than any other. As I get older the friendships I make are stronger than ever before and it always feels nice to know you have a few good friends (especially if you are as socially awkward as I am).

So 2011, I’d give you an 8/10. Which is pretty high for me. It’s been the best year for me that I can think of. I can’t wait to see what 2012 has in store!

Slowly but surely there is improvement

Tellie — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 05:02:06 +0000

I don’t think anyone can truly understand how depressing it can be to be in chronic pain until you have experienced it firsthand. I spent several years suffering in silence. When I did talk about it, no one really knew how much I was hurting. I think the worst part of it all was when people didn’t believe how much agony I was in. Some didn’t even believe I was in pain at all. That hurt more than anything. I hid my pain well. I still hide my pain well. This is easily the most painful thing I have EVER experienced and I lived with the pain for YEARS. With each new symptom I became more and more drained physically as well as mentally. On my lowest days I was certain death would be better. I could never kill myself, but I just wanted all these issues to disappear.

After years of struggling it’s finally under some sort of control. Because of this, I am a MUCH happier person now than I was just a mere 6 months ago. I still have many bad days but I also have the good ones. And now that the good days outnumber the bad, I can’t help but be grateful.

It’s Over!!

Tellie — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 04:52:08 +0000

My first quarter as a PhD student, and it was… humbling. Being sick still made the quarter very difficult, but I know it can be done. Also I have a feeling next quarter will be infinitely better! My final exams were on Tuesday and I came back home (to the DC area) on Wednesday. I didn’t do ANYTHING on Wednesday which felt so strange. Today I studied for a total of 2 hours. Tomorrow I’m going into the city. It feels so weird to take a break!!!

So the plan from here on out is to study at least 4 hours a day when I have something planned and 8-10 hours a day when I don’t. Graduate school is my job right now and I will treat it as such. Plus, I am not happy with how I performed AT ALL. By the time I realized what my shortcomings were the quarter was practically over. So I need to review LONG and HARD. I think 3 weeks is more than enough time to go over 10 weeks worth of material especially since I don’t have to deal with homework or three other classes.

I’m certain if I can stay focused throughout the break I will have no problem passing the qualifying exam in June.

I am going to Atlanta for new years and school starts again January 3rd!

The delete

Tellie — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 02:52:38 +0000

So I got deleted as a facebook friend by a friend I had an argument with roughly two years ago. I can’t lie and say it doesn’t bother me, but the thread of friendship we had is officially over.

I know what went wrong.

I made a facebook status last week. It was a generalization about how people use ambiguous statuses to vent . I was trying to be funny. But this person thought I was taking about them since our argument started with some facebook stuff she posted. I find it odd she would think I would post a facebook status about her over something that happened 2 years ago. But she did, and I know she did since she couldn’t resist leaving a rude comment.

Rude Awakening

Tellie — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 03:52:19 +0000

I’ve taken two tests since I started the PhD program. The first I did alright, the second I failed (for me failing is scoring more than one standard deviation below the mean). I really freaked out. I began to worry about passing the qualifier in June. Then I realized June is 7 months away and I haven’t even been a PhD student for 2 months. I’ve learned alot from this “failure”:

1. Even the best students fail. I think in my case it is due to improper study strategies. Now that I’ve seen a test, I know what to expect.

2. After talking to some second years, it is really hard to do well before the third quarter. (Remember I am taking a class with more mathematically prepared students from more rigorous programs).

3. Freaking out does no good. It’s a waste of time. I think I’ve wasted a good 10 hours thinking I’m some imposter, but …

4. I am not alone in my feelings.

So tomorrow I’m waking up early heading to starbucks and studying my ass off. Hopefully things will look better from here on!

Typical Week

Tellie — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 15:58:11 +0000

I’m just writing this down for my memory. I still think I have time management issues but I try to stick with this schedule. I am a first year PhD student.

Monday, Wednesdays

8:00-9:30	Wake Up, Get ready, head to school
9:30-11:30	Class
11:30-1:30	Eat Lunch while studying
1:30-3:30	Class
3:30-4:00	Head home
4:00-6:00	Take Much needed break if time permits
6:00-12:00	Do homework with or sans TV

Tuesdays and Thursdays

8:00-9:30	Wake Up
9:30-11:30	Do any chores or errands
11:30	Eat quick lunch and head to school
12:00-5:00	Study/Do homework in library
5:30-7:30	Class
8:00-10:00	Take Much needed break if time permits
10:00-12:00	Do homework/study with or sans TV

Fridays

8:00-9:30	Wake Up, Get ready, head to school
9:30-11:30	Class
11:30-5:30	Eat Lunch while doing homework/studying
5:30-6:30	Class
6:30-12:00	Take much needed break if time permits.

Saturdays and Sundays

8:00	Wake up with good intentions. Hit snooze.
10:00-12:00	Actually wake up. Chores, Errands, Church
12:00-5:00	Homework and Studying
5:00-7:00	Take Much needed Break (if time permits)
7:00-12:00	Study

So I’m spending 65 hours doing school work on a good week. And I try to be in bed by midnight although it’s usually closer to 1am. I’m still getting a good 6-8 hours of sleep which is awesome, and I try to catch up on missed sleep over the weekend.

This is not a good week since it’s midterm week. I’ve been studying 10 hours every day at least for the past week or so. How many of these study hours are actually productive is yet to be determined.

I don’t plan on life getting much better until next Thursday.

Drinking…

Tellie — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 12:51:39 +0000

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before but…

I don’t drink.
Not because I think it’s morally wrong.
I think it’s perfectly okay when not done in excess.
But for me, alcohol tastes like battery acid and vomit.
Maybe it is an acquired taste.
However, it’s not a taste I ‘m willing to acquire.
Why would I waste my money torturing myself?
I know a few people who use alcohol to unwind after a long week.
I would rather unwind by playing classical music on the piano.

Overcoming Shyness

Tellie — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 22:29:51 +0000

I know I’ve mentioned it before in a blog post but I suffer from shyness. I wouldn’t quite call it social anxiety but I’m not very outgoing, I don’t really care for new social situations, etc. But over the past two months I’ve been making an effort to combat my shyness. I’ve been coming out of my shell. I’ve done a ton of things that I wouldn’t normally do and I’ve started making quite a few friends. I’m loving the new social life that I have (although it isn’t much since I’m in hell-year as far as graduate school is concerned).

I think what helps the most is not being depressed. Now that I think about it, I was probably a bit depressed in previous months/years. Being in constant pain every day can do that to a person I hear. But now that I’m not in pain all the time things are just so much easier.

So what have I been doing?

Rock climbing
Frequenting bars
Exploring the city
Tailgating
Going to parties
Throwing parties
Joining student organizations
Going to church regularly

I like this way of living so much better!

Slight Blog Change

Tellie — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 22:07:08 +0000

So I’m starting to moderate comments on my blog. Over the past couple of weeks I’ve gotten a slew of emails and recent comments about previous posts. While most of them don’t worry me, one particular post is getting a little out of hand. I don’t know why dozens of people are coming to my blog all of a sudden, but yeah that’s just the way it’s going to be.

School

Tellie — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 04:51:52 +0000

Is getting crazier and crazier. I put in at least 10 hours of work in today just so I can be sure I will have 10 hours to study tomorrow and each day over the weekend. I will be easily putting 70 hours this week into school possibly 80. So for all the blog friends out there I do read most blogs I just don’t have time to comment. Here is a snap shot of my classes:

Class1
I was good up until the fourth lecture. Now I don’t understand a thing. Its statistics based but obviously at a level I cannot comprehend and I have resorted to copying homework solutions from others (more on this later)

Class 2
The class that matters. I understand 75% or more at all times. Also this is the only class that REALLY matters in the grand scheme of things.

Class 3
Complement to class 2. Very helpful.

Now there are three programs that have to take class 1 and 2. Each program requires a different level of mathematical preparation. Thus my major is math heavy, (for privacy I will not disclose what it is exactly) but my program requires very little math prep. I only took 1 math class as an undergrad so….not smart. This means a lot of people in other programs are better prepared and they have seen the material before. Which is why I copy their homework. Everyone in my program with little math prep is just as confused as I am.

Yup so thats my life right now. Btw I sent this visa android so forgive the horrible predictive text. Im too lazy to proof read.